Okay, I realise that I may post this and then disappear for a long amount of time or something, but I've been going everywhere recently over things and I felt like one of the old places I used to call online could be a place to stop by.
If you aren't an oldie from here (or in some cases even if you are an oldie) you probably don't know me, and if you did you'd probably have either experienced me or have been told tales of my lesser moments on here...But I stand before you again, humbled, embarassed and full of regrets.
Basically I left the internet ages ago out of embarassment, distractions of the real world like school and girls and because I felt like I lost my voice online...But I suppose I'm here again to offer apologies, face my ghosts, stuff like that.
Turns out, I fail at real life just as much as I did when I was online. Sure, I got to university with damn good grades, and I got a real-life girlfriend and everything, but real life is just so torturous and testing and even *worse* than whenever I got shamed for the silly things that happened years ago online
And I just realised that a lot of what follows now is mainly talk about, but I'll stick with it. I'll try to cut it down to bulletpoints.
-So I found a girlfriend, an old friend from primary school who grew up to be a seemingly perfect match for me on everything, my tastes, hobbies, etc
-But it turns out she's a girl with depression and many another mental disorder currently off medication but even when she was on it it doesn't seem to work effectively
-She cuts and has attempted suicide many a time which really scares me and puts me on edge
-Now the worser side that reinforces more points as I go on, at the time of getting together with her, her best friend fell for me and I kinda fell for her too. A whole love triangle that wasn't great at all.
-Long story short, I slipped up, and I cheated with her, got caught, and seriously felt so much regret and was so appologetic to my girlfriend and it was a wonder she gave me a second chance, which I haven't fucked up at all
-I never got to fully resolve things with the other girl though, she ran off, became friends with my best friend, and have effectively ruined my friendship there. Call that karma. I'm accepting a lot of my life being karmic payback right now.
-Even more of a douchebaggy direction, I flipped out a lot because of unresolved things with that other girl, and the stress of being in my current relationship that is fairly strong but is very harsh on the distance (Even worse now my girlfriend is in Wales while I'm in England) led me to find a way to let out my stress: The internet. Tumblr, specifically.
-So yeah, for a good period of 4 or so months I've been venting to my Tumblr, writing venomous and horrendous things about that girl as well as bitching about my friends and life and everything. Not a very clever idea, as anyone, including that girl could read it since it wasn't private. They were never solely for me to attack or whatever, they were how I was dealing with all this stress and emotion and confusion. I felt like I didn't have anyone or anywhere else to go, so I foolishly chose to blog about everything. And I couldn't stop.
-Until recently, where I have had my most recent drive to completely change. I have deleted every negative thing off my Tumblr and am thinking about sharing it openly eventually. I am not going to be a bitch, and I'm not going to be depressive and horrible online to anyone. Or offline for that matter. I was a confused, mixed up guy who made a stream of bad mistakes that puts everything into perspective.
-Of course though, this morning I got an email from the other girl. She basically went through a list of what was wrong with me as a person, telling me how I was horrible, how I was sex-obsessed, how I was weird and creepy to her, how I scared her and all other kinds of purely negative and horrible things back to me. Things I probably deserve through karma, but things I never really expected to hear face to face. It's usually stuff I just imagined and was paranoid about people saying about me behind my back, but it was real because I was being told it directly.
-And today I cut myself for the first time. Which is utterly stupid, and it was seven times on my left armj just below the wrist. Not to mention a lot of running and slamming against my bedroom door, both body and head.
^ That's all missing a lot of details, but I've been trying to finish this post before I leave to meet someone for some more support.
Basically, I have spent the day apologising to everyone for being a horrible person. And apologising to my friends for them having to have me as a friend. I've even made some plans to meet and talk to the friends I haven't really in ages, and I'm trying to get out and distract myself, and make myself a better person.
What is my goal posting all of this? Getting things of my chest maybe. Support maybe, if my story didn't lend too much of a bias and I should explain myself before you guys side with her and call me a horrible person. I really don't think I am, I just acted out a lot. And I've been confused and stressed and everything has come down on me at once.
I should also offer my apologises both to those online and spiritually to those who aren't around here who I may have insulted or made to feel horrible either directly or indirectly. I don't think there was anyone really, it was mainly other people playfully digging at me I believe...But still, my apologies spread throughout the internet to them.
Basically, this puts the whole EmilyGloom drama into persepctive doesn't it?
And if you're going to judge me or something, please ask for more development on a point or something before you start attacking...I left a lot out, and I'm looking more for forgiveness and support really...My belief in forgiveness and apologies and confessions carried over from my Catholic upbringing, clearly.
So...I don't exactly know what this thread is for just yet...But I felt like sharing a section of my story since the last real time I was around.