Okay, I realise that I may post this and then disappear for a long amount of time or something, but I've been going everywhere recently over things and I felt like one of the old places I used to call online could be a place to stop by.

If you aren't an oldie from here (or in some cases even if you are an oldie) you probably don't know me, and if you did you'd probably have either experienced me or have been told tales of my lesser moments on here...But I stand before you again, humbled, embarassed and full of regrets.

Basically I left the internet ages ago out of embarassment, distractions of the real world like school and girls and because I felt like I lost my voice online...But I suppose I'm here again to offer apologies, face my ghosts, stuff like that.

Turns out, I fail at real life just as much as I did when I was online. Sure, I got to university with damn good grades, and I got a real-life girlfriend and everything, but real life is just so torturous and testing and even *worse* than whenever I got shamed for the silly things that happened years ago online

And I just realised that a lot of what follows now is mainly talk about, but I'll stick with it. I'll try to cut it down to bulletpoints.

-So I found a girlfriend, an old friend from primary school who grew up to be a seemingly perfect match for me on everything, my tastes, hobbies, etc

-But it turns out she's a girl with depression and many another mental disorder currently off medication but even when she was on it it doesn't seem to work effectively

-She cuts and has attempted suicide many a time which really scares me and puts me on edge

-Now the worser side that reinforces more points as I go on, at the time of getting together with her, her best friend fell for me and I kinda fell for her too. A whole love triangle that wasn't great at all.

-Long story short, I slipped up, and I cheated with her, got caught, and seriously felt so much regret and was so appologetic to my girlfriend and it was a wonder she gave me a second chance, which I haven't fucked up at all

-I never got to fully resolve things with the other girl though, she ran off, became friends with my best friend, and have effectively ruined my friendship there. Call that karma. I'm accepting a lot of my life being karmic payback right now.

-Even more of a douchebaggy direction, I flipped out a lot because of unresolved things with that other girl, and the stress of being in my current relationship that is fairly strong but is very harsh on the distance (Even worse now my girlfriend is in Wales while I'm in England) led me to find a way to let out my stress: The internet. Tumblr, specifically.

-So yeah, for a good period of 4 or so months I've been venting to my Tumblr, writing venomous and horrendous things about that girl as well as bitching about my friends and life and everything. Not a very clever idea, as anyone, including that girl could read it since it wasn't private. They were never solely for me to attack or whatever, they were how I was dealing with all this stress and emotion and confusion. I felt like I didn't have anyone or anywhere else to go, so I foolishly chose to blog about everything. And I couldn't stop.

-Until recently, where I have had my most recent drive to completely change. I have deleted every negative thing off my Tumblr and am thinking about sharing it openly eventually. I am not going to be a bitch, and I'm not going to be depressive and horrible online to anyone. Or offline for that matter. I was a confused, mixed up guy who made a stream of bad mistakes that puts everything into perspective.

-Of course though, this morning I got an email from the other girl. She basically went through a list of what was wrong with me as a person, telling me how I was horrible, how I was sex-obsessed, how I was weird and creepy to her, how I scared her and all other kinds of purely negative and horrible things back to me. Things I probably deserve through karma, but things I never really expected to hear face to face. It's usually stuff I just imagined and was paranoid about people saying about me behind my back, but it was real because I was being told it directly.

-And today I cut myself for the first time. Which is utterly stupid, and it was seven times on my left armj just below the wrist. Not to mention a lot of running and slamming against my bedroom door, both body and head.

^ That's all missing a lot of details, but I've been trying to finish this post before I leave to meet someone for some more support.

Basically, I have spent the day apologising to everyone for being a horrible person. And apologising to my friends for them having to have me as a friend. I've even made some plans to meet and talk to the friends I haven't really in ages, and I'm trying to get out and distract myself, and make myself a better person.

What is my goal posting all of this? Getting things of my chest maybe. Support maybe, if my story didn't lend too much of a bias and I should explain myself before you guys side with her and call me a horrible person. I really don't think I am, I just acted out a lot. And I've been confused and stressed and everything has come down on me at once.

I should also offer my apologises both to those online and spiritually to those who aren't around here who I may have insulted or made to feel horrible either directly or indirectly. I don't think there was anyone really, it was mainly other people playfully digging at me I believe...But still, my apologies spread throughout the internet to them.

Basically, this puts the whole EmilyGloom drama into persepctive doesn't it?

And if you're going to judge me or something, please ask for more development on a point or something before you start attacking...I left a lot out, and I'm looking more for forgiveness and support really...My belief in forgiveness and apologies and confessions carried over from my Catholic upbringing, clearly.

So...I don't exactly know what this thread is for just yet...But I felt like sharing a section of my story since the last real time I was around.

As an older member who has seen/been through a fair amount of crap as well, so in a way I can kind of relate. I can tell you a lot of this stuff is just life and growing up. We all make mistakes, as all feel depressed, as have all done stupid shit. I've cheated on a girlfriend before too. While we hadn't been dating that long and it was a long-distance relationship I felt and do still feel terrible about it, but you just need to deal with it and move on. If your current girlfriend forgives you that's what matters and to hell with what the other girl says/thinks. She's just as guilty so she has no right to bring you down and call you all kinds of stuff.

Now, about your girlfriend, I have to echo what Link said and say she needs to find some help. If meds aren't working she needs to talk to a good doctor and find something that works. Someone to talk to or something that's a good outlet to focus her energy helps too. Before my brother went away to college he was majorly depressed, borderline suicidal. He's always been an extremely emotional guy and he had a lot held in (he was a closet homosexual in a very conservative family as well). He was on anti-depressants, seeing therapists, going to help groups and they helped a bit but things changed when he moved to Toronto for school and discovered art. He found an outlet for all his emotions and put everything into it. Now, I never seen him more happy. He came out of the closet to our immediate family and he's doing great. I think your girlfriend needs to find her outlet, something that helps face and express her emotions and feelings. Maybe therapy will help find that outlet.

Now, to be clear if she refuses help don't put this whole weight on your shoulders. It's her decision to get help or not. I know it's hard to accept but it's not your fault if she doesn't want help or doesn't take her medication.

As for cutting yourself, I can't stand it. Young people doing things like this... makes me very sad. I know things are hard, and I know things can be very difficult. Life is difficult, I'm almost 30 and it's still not easy. But really, life does get better if you let it. Like I said about your girlfriend, find some sort of outlet for yourself, whether it be a blog, writing, drawing etc. find something you enjoy and embrace it. Make it your passion. Block out all the negativeness in your life. Life is way too short for negative people/things who bring you down so get rid of them. In the last 3-5 years I've cut off all the negative people in my life, even if they're some of my oldest friends. If they can't support who I am, what I want to do in my life or simply don't want to grow the fuck up and pretend they're 15 when they're almost 30 then fuck them. Life's too short for people like that.

Well this is a long tangent about a mix of stuff but just remember, life is only as bad as you make it. If you want to talk more about this 1 on 1 please feel free to PM me. I'd be more than happy to talk more focused about this.

Thanks, you guys, I'm happy for even the slightest support and advice you've offered, I kinda really wish I was around while all this was first starting now, this is probably the advice I *should* have heard more of.

A few points in response and to expand:

-My girlfriend is currently in an awkward period where she's gone to University so all the support network she has with professionals is being carried over, so she's probably at her worst right now, but apparently care is better in Wales than England so maybe there'll be improvement.

It's took me a while to realize I don't have much power to help her, and my words and actions can only go so far...but that doesn't mean I still have a lot of faith in her. Even if she or other people (like the other girl) have completely written her off.

I think that is what's been a problem for myself for a while. I've taken the weight and stress of her problems as my own, because it's in my nature to sacrifice myself to help others out if I can or at least try...

-cutting is horrible, and I hate myself for finally caving to it. Thankfully I didn't go deep and thankfully I haven't had the urge to pick it up more...I think things just went too far in my head and everything was against me.

My heart breaks when I see the scars on her arms. I'm not one to judge her but that doesn't mean I hate that she's fallen into that pit of self harm...

-I'm taking it on myself more to just not blog and be angry and emo like I did on that Tumblr. A friend suggested I write my negative thoughts on a piece of paper and then chuck it away. That actually sounded like a nice idea which I may turn to...

-on the creative side, I did however want to start writing about movies and maybe start up a movie blog, one to share writing with my girlfriend as a little project because we both love and talk about films non-stop for hours...but those plans haven't come off the ground yet.

I also do a media course, so I've been trying to focus on screenwriting, but everything has just shut me down recently. I have script ideas and inspiration, but I've slowed to a halt while I climb over this latest hump.

-I do have the feeling I grew up too fast. Like I wanted it all a few years ago, and then when I thought I was growing up or whatever and doing stuff, I hated it and regret it...I do need to slow it down possibly and realize that I'm only 20, it's not the end of the world. But my vision only goes so far in the future.

-Exactly, it takes two people to do a horrible thing like lending to me cheating, and it's not *all* my fault. She should have realized that if this was her best friend, she wouldn't actively encourage and confuse an already naive guy who is already going out with her friend. But I've spent most of the time post-that mistake apologising and saying that everything is purely my fault.

-I got very narrow-minded when this was all going on. The other girl at a time seemed to be my only support network and she used that to get closer to me and mess me up. I then also only really saw the guy who I considered my best friend at the time to be my only other support network.

Of course, she went off with him and she's probably told him all manner of secrets and embarassing things I've told her or done, and only the negative parts in order to show me as a horrible person to him and taint his view on me (one I already feared after he learnt of my mistake of cheating)

-Saying all that though, I've loosened up a little and opened my eyes to see there are other people out there. I mass-messaged my friendship group and I got phonecalls and messages and I've met up with a friend after I posted this thread and planning to meet another one out of town...I completely forgot about these guys while I got distracted. Which makes me feel bad and I hope i make more of an effort in future.

Plus, the couple replies here have also shown I'm not as alone as I've been led to believe. The other girl used to try and make it clear that I was a horrible person and that I was going to lose all my friends. 

Which is why if you've ever seen me on Facebook and I've flipped out because a friend seemingly has deleted me or something, it's because I start to believe her and I feel like it's her direct influence. That paragraph was mainly aimed at Link since he's seen me go like that on Facebook before...

And Link, I don't think I ever really thanked you, but you've seemed to be one to help me out and snap me out of things and such since way back...So I thank you again, if I haven't ever before.

Oh man Chris we've missed you. I tried saying Aerith or Aeris a couple of times and still you didn't show up.

Anywho, your girlfriend need to go out more. Surround herself with life and (new) friends, tendencies with people with depression is they freakout massively when they were alone. My mom went through it when my parents separated, it's scary shit. It's ok to support her, even get some help but the easiest and most effective way to help your gf is to support her and keep the positive karma coming. Join a community or cause just keep her doing stuff that takes the bad vibes out.

Goodluck with all that though...IMO keep writing about it, it could be literature gold.

I'm sure my Aerith/Aeris love probably contributed to that other girl attacking me and calling me weird and creepy. Which I completely resent.

Ultimately, I would never have properly gotten together with her or thought she'd be better than my girlfriend. The chick hadn't even seen Star Wars before me and she completely disliked Lord of the Rings...stuff like that is small, but it's the standard areas of geekery that showed that I wouldn't want to be with a girl like that.

I find it funny that I wished I could get away and have more luck with women rather than have stupid from-afar crushes and being in the friend zone...then two come along at once and it was all one complicated depressive fiasco...

Clearly, I wasn't prepared or expecting that. And for my first real relationship experience I find it crueller to try and deal with without any experience than most people and dealing with their first relationships...I just have rather bad luck it seems, always have...

I'm striving to be a generally more positive person. Its really, really hard, because I slip into thinking about all that negative stuff in that girl's email. I'll never attempt to look at it again or reply to it...it was just so painful to read each following paragraph because it felt like she meant every word and I didn't feel like I was disagreeing with her...

I've been striving to actually have someone just tell me 'You're not a horrible person' and/or just say loads of positive and nice things to me. Just something like that. I do that for any of my friends and my girlfriend and such...I like re-affirming self-esteem of others because I have such huge problems with my own...but I feel like no-one I know really says or helps me as much as I try for everyone else.

So far none of my friends have really said that, they've looked out for me and asked me what's up...but they haven't really said enough to cancel it all out, which is what I've been striving to do with all things to do with that girl. Overwrite the negativity and everything with alternative and nice things...

I've taken the whole mantra of 'the best way to get over a girl is to turn her into literature' into my stride. When I deleted every single text post I wrote on my Tumblr I turned to a friend and said 'If I spent all that time and effort into actually writing I'd have loads of scripts written now...

I should have really channeled my energy into writing. I do it on and off, but I wish I had more drive to write scripts or maybe film reviews/articles about films (not to mention university course stuff)